Loaded Dice: The Fake Toy Hall of Fame
April 1, 2021
Following a nationwide online vote, the National Toy Hall of Fame inducted three new toys into its hallowed grounds. The class of 2020 includes the childhood classics Baby Nancy, Jenga, and sidewalk chalk. But a disgruntled employee at the World Yahtzee Institute took umbrage that the game of Yahtzee was not among the selections. Here we share their unhinged rant.
Editor’s note: The editors of The Yahtzee Blog allot a semi-regular column, “Loaded Dice”, to a junior intern at the World Yahtzee Institute writing under the pen name "Y". Like a growing number of people around the world, Y subscribes to a mind-boggling array of alternative facts and conspiracy theories. But in the interest of equal time their thoughts are presented below. The following commentary does not represent the views or opinions of the World Yahtzee Institute or its subsidiaries.
Greetings dear readers and welcome to Loaded Dice! We’ve been booted off of many social media platforms for reporting the truths that the lamestream Yahtzee media doesn’t dare to touch so hopefully this will be our new home going forward.
It’s been over four months since last November’s rigged election. All of our righteous court cases and appeals have been thrown out by cowardly “judges”. Public protests to stop this usurpation of power have been thwarted. People remain on edge, bewildered by this dastardly plot to undermine our beloved candidate. And yet we continue to live under a regime of illegitimate representation. The despicable decision to deny Yahtzee its rightful place in the National Toy Hall of Fame will be remembered as the most treasonous act in human history.
Yahtzee made the list of seven finalists from over 3,000 nominations but was ultimately not selected to the National Toy Hall of Fame in last year’s voting. Instead, the 2020 winners consisted of “Crazy” Baby Nancy, “Liddle” Jenga, and “Low Energy” sidewalk chalk. The voting regulations that have been in place since 1998 were shamefully ignored under the cover of coronavirus concerns. Hidden away in the totally existent basement of a pizza restaurant, the all-powerful chalk lobby concocted their plan to compromise the election. But true patriots will no longer tolerate chalk’s death grip on American culture. Therefore and forthwith I hereby declare that each and every state legislature in our great nation must immediately enact laws to secure and protect our sacred right of voting in toys to the National Toy Hall of Fame.
Ask yourself a simple question - what is a toy? If any old plaything that provides hours of entertainment to children can be classified as a toy then our nation is already lost. How, I ask, is chalk even considered a toy? It is first and foremost a writing implement and its only proper place is on a blackboard. Chalk belongs in the hands of teachers, not our children. And Baby Nancy is a doll, not a toy. If it was a toy, then why do we call her a doll? Let her start a Doll Hall of Fame and I’ll be the first to vote her in, but she has no place among actual toys. Jenga is also complicit in the conspiracy as it was created by a British game designer. If it wasn’t even born in this country then how could it be elected to the NATIONAL Toy Hall of Fame? I demand to see its long-form birth certificate. Dice, on the other hand, are one of the oldest toys in the world. There is no logical reason to expand the definition of a toy just to pander to big-money chalk corporations. We must maintain an originalist interpretation of toys in order to safeguard our future elections. A toy is as and has always been dice-based! To claim otherwise is to diminish the sacred sanctity of toyhood.
If we enact these protections immediately and remove all illegitimate “toys” from the ballot then Yahtzee stands a fighting chance in this year’s contest. Otherwise, Yahtzee will be forced to compete on equal terms in a free and fair toy election. I shudder at the very thought. But in either case, I urge all patriots to nominate Yahtzee for the 2021 class of the National Toy Hall of Fame. And don’t wait - nominations must be submitted by July 31, 2021 to be considered. Let’s protect our children from the scourge of illegitimate toys while striking a blow against the cancel-culture mentality of chalk-lovers everywhere by electing the most popular dice game in history!